---
title: Remembering my grandma
date:  2024-12-20
tags:  life
tldr:  Rest In Paradise, Claretha
---

Yesterday morning I got a call from my mother: "Grandma passed away." Knowing
this day would inevitably come (especially since she was suffering from seizures
periodically) did nothing to prepare me. At first I just felt shock. I was in the
middle of sending a Slack message to a colleague for clarfication on a Github
issue. "That can wait," I thought, as I continued to process.

It wasn't until the phrase, "my grandma passed" crossed my mind that it sunk in.
She's gone. I spoke with her last week, and she's gone. Earlier this week my mom
shared a picture of the both of them, smiling…and now she's gone.

---

I'm the first grandchild of the family. Naturally, I became my grandma's favorite
but estrangement with her and my mother kept us apart from roughly age 10 until
last year when I randomly decided to ask an uncle for her phone number. Family
drama aside, I'm thankful I got to reconnect over the past year. I'm glad I
recorded plenty of photos, videos, and audio of her. She got to meet my family
and connected quite well with my wife. I got to know her history, stories about
her father I've never heard before (which makes me think I got my strong ethical/
moral compass from him). She gave me her artwork in exchange for the super dope
MTV hoodie I was wearing at the time LOL.

My grandma was funny, witty, and didn't take no shit. She reciprocated energy…
same as me. I'll miss her dearly. I spent a lot of yesterday going through a
range of emotions; sadness, frustration, anger. As I write this I feel okay but
grieving isn't a one-time thing. I'll overhear someone order a large black coffee
from McDonald's or see someone that looks like her and be overcome with emotion.
Or I'll accidentally tell Siri to call her.

This feeling fucking sucks. But it's selfish for me to want her back, even for
just a moment.

---

I wrote a poem yesterday to help myself process things:

My grandma passed
I didn't think our last call would be the last
My grandma passed
The last thing she told me was to show forgiveness
My grandma passed
Glad I could show her my wife and my kids
My grandma passed
Recorded her voice, immortalized her essence
My grandma passed
Took notes on her life and transcribed her lessons
My grandma passed
Her very last weekend was with family and dancing
My grandma passed
Wish I could hug her, thank her for mother
My grandma passed
My grandma passed
My grandma passed.

Rest In Paradise, Claretha Johnson. 🕸