Remembering my grandma

Yesterday morning I got a call from my mother: "Grandma passed away." Knowing this day would inevitably come (especially since she was suffering from seizures periodically) did nothing to prepare me. At first I just felt shock. I was in the middle of sending a Slack message to a colleague for clarfication on a Github issue. "That can wait," I thought, as I continued to process.

It wasn't until the phrase, "my grandma passed" crossed my mind that it sunk in. She's gone. I spoke with her last week, and she's gone. Earlier this week my mom shared a picture of the both of them, smiling…and now she's gone.

I'm the first grandchild of the family. Naturally, I became my grandma's favorite but estrangement with her and my mother kept us apart from roughly age 10 until last year when I randomly decided to ask an uncle for her phone number. Family drama aside, I'm thankful I got to reconnect over the past year. I'm glad I recorded plenty of photos, videos, and audio of her. She got to meet my family and connected quite well with my wife. I got to know her history, stories about her father I've never heard before (which makes me think I got my strong ethical/moral compass from him). She gave me her artwork in exchange for the super dope MTV hoodie I was wearing at the time LOL.

My grandma was funny, witty, and didn't take no shit. She reciprocated energy… same as me. I'll miss her dearly. I spent a lot of yesterday going through a range of emotions; sadness, frustration, anger. As I write this I feel okay but grieving isn't a one‑time thing. I'll overhear someone order a large black coffee from McDonald's or see someone that looks like her and be overcome with emotion. Or I'll accidentally tell Siri to call her.

This feeling fucking sucks. But it's selfish for me to want her back, even for just a moment.

I wrote a poem yesterday to help myself process things:

My grandma passed I didn't think our last call would be the last My grandma passed The last thing she told me was to show forgiveness My grandma passed Glad I could show her my wife and my kids My grandma passed Recorded her voice, immortalized her essence My grandma passed Took notes on her life and transcribed her lessons My grandma passed Her very last weekend was with family and dancing My grandma passed Wish I could hug her, thank her for mother My grandma passed My grandma passed My grandma passed.

Rest In Paradise, Claretha Johnson. 🕸