Document: WM-062                                                 P. Webb
Category: Life                                                2024.12.20

                         Remembering my grandma

Abstract

   Rest In Paradise, Claretha

Body

   Yesterday morning I got a call from my mother: "Grandma passed away."
   Knowing this day would inevitably come (especially since she was
   suffering from seizures periodically) did nothing to prepare me. At
   first I just felt shock. I was in the middle of sending a Slack
   message to a colleague for clarfication on a Github issue. "That can
   wait," I thought, as I continued to process.

   It wasn’t until the phrase, "my grandma passed" crossed my mind that
   it sunk in. She’s gone. I spoke with her last week, and she’s gone.
   Earlier this week my mom shared a picture of the both of them,
   smiling…and now she’s gone.

   I’m the first grandchild of the family. Naturally, I became my
   grandma’s favorite but estrangement with her and my mother kept us
   apart from roughly age 10 until last year when I randomly decided to
   ask an uncle for her phone number. Family drama aside, I’m thankful I
   got to reconnect over the past year. I’m glad I recorded plenty of
   photos, videos, and audio of her. She got to meet my family and
   connected quite well with my wife. I got to know her history, stories
   about her father I’ve never heard before (which makes me think I got
   my strong ethical/moral compass from him). She gave me her artwork in
   exchange for the super dope MTV hoodie I was wearing at the time LOL.

   My grandma was funny, witty, and didn’t take no shit. She
   reciprocated energy…same as me. I’ll miss her dearly. I spent a lot
   of yesterday going through a range of emotions; sadness, frustration,
   anger. As I write this I feel okay but grieving isn’t a one‑time
   thing. I’ll overhear someone order a large black coffee from
   McDonald’s or see someone that looks like her and be overcome with
   emotion. Or I’ll accidentally tell Siri to call her.

   This feeling fucking sucks. But it’s selfish for me to want her back,
   even for just a moment.

   I wrote a poem yesterday to help myself process things:

   My grandma passed
   I didn’t think our last call would be the last
   My grandma passed
   The last thing she told me was to show forgiveness
   My grandma passed
   Glad I could show her my wife and my kids
   My grandma passed
   Recorded her voice, immortalized her essence
   My grandma passed
   Took notes on her life and transcribed her lessons
   My grandma passed
   Her very last weekend was with family and dancing
   My grandma passed
   Wish I could hug her, thank her for mother
   My grandma passed
   My grandma passed
   My grandma passed.

   Rest In Paradise, Claretha Johnson. 🕸